Is It Me?

Sometimes I wonder... Things don't always work out so well and I suspect the essential element is myself. More often than not, I am the main focus of whatever goes wrong.

It's not that I am a screw-up, though I am that from time to time, but that I am involved in some way. Since I have many insecurities, this leads me to focus on my own involvement. Which, of course, just reinforces the afore-mentioned insecurities.

I was not always this way. At one time I thought my greatest shortcoming was in not following through. I tended not to complete things I started. I would get bored... or lazy (it's hard to tell those apart)... and just quit; leaving whatever project I was undertaking to sit until I might get back to it. But that isn't what is happening lately. Lately, things just seem to go awry. Back on the 20th, for example, I missed the correct exit as I was taking a friend to the airport. I didn't exactly miss it, I thought it was the wrong one and I was in error. This meant about a 10 mile circuitous route to get back on track. And then, after leaving him off, I missed my turnoff to get back on the tollway (which leads to the freeway), sending me wandering along some surface streets in what turned out to be a fruitless search for a way back on track. Since I was the driver, I must take the blame.

I find that I am easily rattled now and cannot shake myself out of it as easily as I once did and that bothers me. I cannot seem to settle myself down as I once did. I used to just order myself to calm down, often by merely taking a few deep breaths and then letting them out slowly. That relaxed me and calmed me and let me re-focus. It doesn't seem to work anymore... which adds to my stress and just makes things worse.

I am open to suggestions on how to relax and keep my head when all about me are losing theirs, so to speak.