Sweet solitude

I am a loner. This does not mean that I am lonely or that I have no friends. It just means that my closest friend, the one I am most comfortable with is... myself. My mother once told me that she worried that I would never marry because I was a loner. She said this in spite of the number of girlfriends I had had since I was in my early to mid teens. None of these relationships lasted very long; a few weeks, a few months, so maybe she did have some reason to believe that.

There is nothing wrong with being a loner. Even though the usual description of the crazed gunman who slaughters his family and a number of strangers is "He kept to himself, he was quiet, a loner." I view my loner-ness differently, of course. I am comfortable with it, secure in it. It is my cocoon.

My father was a loner. He was also a salesman, a job you would think a loner might shy away from. He became another man when on the job. He would smile and laugh and schmooze with clients and potential clients. He knew what the job required and he was pretty successful at it. But, at home, he was quiet. He didn't socialize much or care to be in crowds or bring home guests for dinner. He puttered about, doing those little things that needed doing in and around a house without asking for help very often. And when he did "ask" for help, there was little conversation after he told you what to do and how to do it. He did not chat with us kids or with Mom.

I am pretty much set in my way now that I have made it to my mid-60's. I don't like to go out, don't care to attend functions, or even go to dinner with others. I do these, though, because I know that Faye enjoys these things and keeping Faye happy is better than letting her get unhappy.

I am not a joiner. When I rode a motorcycle, I joined no clubs, sought out no one to ride with. I often went on solo rides in no particular direction with no destination in mind. You can't seem to do that in a group; groups seem to need a destination, a goal, some reason to be out there.

I have friends with whom I play golf. That is pretty much all the socializing I do. It's fun and I hang around after the round and chat with these folks. But I would just as soon head home and be alone.

As a child, I would play with the neighborhood kids but I didn't usually seek them out. I was just as happy if no one came by. But there was a benefit for my mother; if no one came by and I stayed home, I didn't bug my mother for something to do or pester her with "I'm bored!" I would read or watch TV or play in my room or in the cellar or in the back yard. Or I might go off to the woods to wander around. If I ran into some of the neighborhood kids, I'd hook up with them and do whatever they were doing.

I don't envy people who are gregarious and social, I just cannot do it myself. I feel as awkward as a new born puppy in social situations. The worst, of course, are formal gatherings or ceremonies. Even though I am comfortable with this quirk of personality, I understand why others think it strange.

Such a pity... I think it should be rewarded. But, then, I would, wouldn't I?