A Crime Has Been Committed

Golf is a game where grown men get to dress up in ugly clothes (thinking they look sharp some of the time), swear profusely, and pretend the poor athletic ability they display is an anomaly. Nothing else, no other game, brings our innate stupidity out into the open as does golf. Well, sex would qualify but that isn't done in public in groups of four... very often. (hmmm... there are a number of similarities between sex and golf but I had better not digress)

Golfers do not just make their golfing mistakes on the golf course. Oh no... we make them in golf shops and at home, too. Mostly in golf purchases. One of the more clever marketing schemes began when some bright entrepreneur realized that men not only would debase themselves (and pay for the privilege) playing golf but that they would also buy just about any gadget that promised to "improve" their games without a lot of practice and effort.

Even the lowly tee was brought into being because of this combination of poor play and love of gadgetry. Before someone (two someones, actually) invented the tee, golfers used to pile a little sand to place the ball upon before striking it (mostly ineffectually) down the fairway. The first tee did not look like the little wooden (and plastic) ones we have today so it has also been subjected to the whims of gadgetry over the years.

http://www.scottishgolfhistory.net/tee_term.htm

The main area of technical evolution in golf has been with clubs and balls. Early on, this was done in a sincere effort to improve the game and help the golfer without breaking the rules. Let me digress a bit here (no, I am not going to go into detail about the similarities to sex) for some background. There are two powerful forces involved in the evolution of golf:

1. Man's desire to do more with less.

2. Guys who insist on rules and don't want to change them.

The first are the golfers. These are people who recognize the physical limitations of the human being. They know that even if they have great inherent talent, practice diligently, take constant lessons, and keep fit, they will never attain perfection. In fact, they cannot even agree on what "perfection" means in terms of golf. In most cases, they even call shots which do not end up in the hole "perfect" if they end up very close. These people realize that the only way they will improve is through the advancement in technical aspects of the game. A ball that travels farther, clubs that improve the opportunities to hit the ball properly (or, better yet, still go in the desired direction and distance if not struck "perfectly").

The second group, let's call them the "RuleMakers", consists of the United States Golf Association and the Royal and Ancient. The latter was once called the "Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews" but has been shortened due to changes in makeup in 2004. These two entities make the rules of the game and are the final arbiters on how the rules are to be interpreted. It is a bit like having the Supreme Court and the Congress as one body. In any event, these two do their best to retain the original purpose and essence of the game (as they define it) by fighting technical change that might violate the traditions (as they see them).

Golf equipment manufacturers (let's call them "Big Golf") are like lawyers who pursue civil cases. They never met a rule they couldn't bend in pursuit of sales. The Rulemakers have a constant battle preventing Big Golf from destroying the essence and traditions of The Game. The pressure from the average (and even above average but definitely from us below average) golfers has allowed many useful improvements through. Design and form of the clubs and balls, the materials used in each, even the kind of turf used on golf courses. Recently, the use of GPS to replace the stalwart caddy's knowledge (we already replaced his physical presence by the use of carts) of the course has been approved.

And now, dear reader, we reach the point of all this. I have drowned my caddy. It was unintentional, I assure you. More like manslaughter, I suppose, if one wanted to use an appropriate analogy. I came home yesterday soaked to the skin because a rainstorm that attacked (yes, I said "attacked") us on the last hole. And, because we golfers are not bright enough to come in out of the rain, we played through it. But that is not how I drowned my "caddy". No, as I said, I came home and got out of my sopping wet clothes. I then turned them over to Faye who was about to start the wash. I had removed the wallet, the loose cash, the car keys, and such from my shorts before handing her these but did not realize that I had left my golf GPS unit in one of the auxiliary pockets.

I am pretty sure he didn't survive. Though I still have hope.


[1243/1244/1113]