From the Pit to even lower

Some things have happened in the past few days which have impacted me greatly. One I had some control over, the other is one of those things that you do not see coming.

The first involves a problem I have dealt with for most of adult my life. My temper. It gets out of control from time to time. It damages relationships, it probably has some adverse effect on my health, and it annoys me. It annoys me because I don't like losing control. It has happened a few times in the past year or so. I get angry, sullen, snippy, and difficult to deal with. I become about a hair's breadth from punching someone. And it isn't ever the person I am really angry at: myself. There was a time that I was on the verge of this on a daily basis. I have got it down to a very rare occurrence. It seems much worse to me now when it happens, maybe because it is much more rare now than it once was.

It takes me a day or two to calm down, to re-focus, to regain control. During that time, I have to make a concerted effort to be civil to those around me. Then I can make apologies to those I've offended and struggle my way out of The Pit of Self-Loathing.

The other thing concerns someone who flatly told me he has only a few months to live. You do not expect something like that. You think those around you will outlive you. If you think anything about dying at all. I hadn't seen this person for some weeks because I had changed my pattern of late and switched around my golf days a little. But a mutual friend mentioned this guy had been told about a spot on his lung. Since that happened on the day my temper was out of control, I waited a couple of days before calling and checking on him. That's when he hit me with the news.

It stunned me. On one level it was not unexpected. He's not a young man. He's 81. And he has been smoking since his teens. He tried to quit about 4 years ago. Even if he had been successful, it is likely that he still would be in the position he is in now.

I think things can be done to stave it off but I suspect he has chosen not to do them. I resent that but I understand it.