I only have five senses... Humor isn't one of them

I've always wanted to be a standup comedian. I have no idea why. I just wanted to. Only one thing held me back. A minor thing. I can't tell a joke. And I am not funny on my own. That's right, I stink at ad lib'ing. I am pretty sure that isn't the correct way to write that but bear with me.

Still, that shouldn't hold me back. Maybe I could get a grant from the government and protected status. After all, why should comedy clubs be allowed to discriminate against those of us without comic timing? Isn't that a disability? There are laugh tracks that could be used, signs to tell the audience when to laugh at those times when it is appropriate. It works on TV. It should also work in the comedy clubs.

I would like to see Stephen Hawkings do comedy. I am positive he could do it with a straight face and understated delivery. He could even do impersonations of famous people. It would just be a matter of programming of the voice module.

Hawkings is involved in a bit of controversy right now, though. It seems he has declared that God was unnecessary to get the universe started. That's angering some of the religious community. We haven't heard from the Muslim community yet but I am sure a fatwa will be declared soon. After all, denial of the need for God has got to be worse than a cartoon of Mohammed.

Humor is a delicate thing. It is possibly the most difficult art to master. Anybody can act, George Clooney proved that. But humor? That takes subtlety (I am not talking Three Stooges here), timing, and intelligence. The intelligence is required in order to gauge your audience. The best comics are those that seem surprised at the laughter their gags produce. Right behind them are the ones who seem totally oblivious to the fact that they are funny. Emo Phillips comes to mind.

Emo, by the way, is my favorite. I saw him decades ago at a comedy club in Richmond, Virginia. He opened with an unforgettable bit about his pants. These pants were almost, but not quite, clown pants. He said they had belonged to his grandfather. His mother had suggested he wear them. He claimed it took him an hour to dig up his grandfather's grave in order to get them.

See what I mean? I can't tell a joke.

Here's an Emo...

“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”

You can see why I relate to him so well.