I think, therefore I am... confused

I spend a lot of time wondering who I am and how I came to be whatever it is I am. I know others do this but I don't think everyone does. At least, not on a regular basis. The reason I know others wonder about the same thing is that we have a profession that specializes in it. It's called psychoanalysis.

Since I could never afford an analyst, I have had to do it myself. That's a bit like acting as your own attorney... or doctor. You could wind up in a lot worse condition than when you started.

Over the years, I have developed, and discarded, theories about human behavior and personality. I shouldn't call them "theories". Theories are based on knowledge, training, and testing. What I developed are better called "wild ass ideas." And they are based on practically no knowledge, no training, and no testing.

It's a lot like my golf game. Except, with that, there's no underlying talent either.

But we are all, I think, products of our genes and our upbringing. And, since we all have two parents (biologically speaking) and these parents are from different families (except maybe in parts of Appalachia), it's a merging of genes that makes us into the messes we believe ourselves to be.

On one side, I have my father; strong, tall, and quiet. On the other, my mother; short, soft-hearted, chatty. I fall somewhere in between. My father was also a no nonsense guy. Practical and pragmatic. And cynical. My mother was all nonsense, it seemed. A dreamer and an optimist. I fall somewhere in between those also.

Therein, I think, is why I have been on a life-long quest to understand me.

I have said before, perhaps too often, our genes provide the filter through which we perceive our environment. Our environment creates the filter through which which we view life. Free will is an illusion.