The path to a wasted life

When I was in junior and senior high there was a group called the Optimists Club. It was affiliated, I think, with the Jaycees (Junior Achievement). I avoided these successfully. I don't know why now. I should not have. I should have immersed myself in groups like those. I should have sought encouragement and optimism.

Instead, I nurtured a chip on my shoulder. Pretty soon that chip became a 2x4. And still it grew. Because I fertilized it with the BS of my friends and those who kept telling me life sucked.

In spite of this, I got by. Even as I refused the numerous opportunities that came my way. I turned down a paid college education because it would have meant adding time to my Navy enlistment. I was 19 and it meant I would have been in the military until I reached 27 or 28. I couldn't see that far ahead. I couldn't imagine putting off what I thought was life for that long. I turned down re-enlistment that came with a $10,000 bonus (this was in 1969) that I could have received in a war zone so it would be income tax free. Why? Because I couldn't see myself doing 6 more years. 6 more years of doing something I actually liked doing.

After I got out, and after I loafed around aimlessly for a few months doing a mundane job delivering furniture and stuffing cushions, I fell into a job I loved... by pure happenstance.  While in that job, I avoided promotions to management. Why? Because I did not want the responsibility and, to be honest, I did not think I could manage people.

I told myself I did all these things because I wanted to. That was untrue. That was the lie I told myself over and over. I did these things because I was afraid to succeed as much as I was afraid to fail. I did them out of rebellion; because others wanted me to do the opposite.

Man, was I stupid!