But what if?

I work fastest under a deadline. I also do my worst quality of work that way. Yet, I also do most of my work that way. It's the Curse of the Procrastinator. I have always put things off. I used to joke that I had three "In" boxes on my desk:

Things to put off until tomorrow
Things to put off until next week
Things to ignore forever

I had no "Out" box. Unless you count the "Round File" next to the desk.

And this is pretty much how I handle this blog. I wake up in the morning and have no idea what I will write. I drink a cup of coffee. Often, two. I play card games and I solve puzzles using a few tenths of my mind (I do not work on difficult puzzles). A tenth of my mind is considering possible topics. Another tenth is actively rejecting them. Various bits and pieces of my brain are just bouncing around trying to look busy. Unsuccessfully, I might add.

I call it "multi-tasking." My teachers, parents, and the occasional girlfriend, and now my wife would call it "day dreaming." But the simple truth is I procrastinate.

And why do I procrastinate? Out of fear. It's true. I really believe that the root of procrastination is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success. It's why we never called up that pretty girl who smiled as she gave me her number. I wasn't rejecting her, I feared her rejecting me. I feared the failure of the call. And, at the same time, I feared she'd accept a date. Yes, that's right, I feared success too.

I can't help it. I blame my older siblings for instilling these fears in my head at an early age and then reinforcing them constantly until they were the foundation of my personality. If they hadn't, I might have been more dynamic, more successful in my life. I could have been somebody. You do realize I was mimicking Marlon Brando in my head when I wrote that last sentence, don't you?

Seriously, the things that happen to you when you are in your very early years stay with you all your life. They are both the stepping stones and obstacles in your life.

So, now you know why this blog gets posted at different times each day (often late) and why it seems so disjointed most of the time.

Fear.