Strange and exotic wildlife

I have a new pet. I didn't want one and, to be honest, he's not much of a pet. I am not even sure it's a "he", for that matter. Let me go back a few days...

On Monday of last week, I went off to play golf just as I do on every Monday morning. The lovely and vivacious Faye brings in a housekeeper every couple of weeks, always on a Monday, to do a little heavy cleaning. It doesn't help all that much but she likes it. Now let me explain about the front porch and the tomato plant that ate it.

In the winter, even down here, we have what we call "cold snaps" where the temperature might drop into the Hard Freeze range. That would be an period of more than an hour or so of temps in the 20's (Fahrenheit). During that time, we must cover the more fragile or tropical plants to protect them. Frances did this for the tomato plants we had on the front porch. She used a couple of old sheets. Not a problem except that she didn't bring them (the sheets) back in after the last of the cold snaps. She just folded them up and left them on the bench that pointlessly sits on the front porch. For months.

So now Raina, the housekeeper, was asked by Faye to bring in those sheets. She did as asked. Unfortunately, she didn't shake them out or inspect them first. Between the two sheets there was a lizard. And when he/she/it found his/her/it-self inside among a bunch of giant creatures all screaming and backing away, he/she/it panicked and ran off into the kitchen and under the stove.

When I returned home, I was told the story of the Giant Vicious Lizard. What was I to do? I am not going to move the stove because he/she/it would just scurry under the refrigerator. You cannot coax a lizard out from a hiding place so I just said, in soothing tones and with great sympathy, "Forget it."

That was last Monday.

Monday (yesterday), when I got home from golf, Faye greeted me and said in hushed tones, "Come here, I want to show you something." And led me into the master bedroom with a sly smile. You can imagine how disappointed I was when she pointed at my alarm clock. there, resting atop it, was the Giant Vicious Lizard.

He/she/it is not a great pet, as I said. But he/she/it is the only one we have.