Torn

I am going through a period of angst. I use that word in the existentialist definition. I also use it in the traditional definition since they both work for what I am feeling. An unease, a mental discomfort. It might be because my golf game is poor lately and how I play has a profound effect on how I feel. Or vice versa. Who can tell?

A friend of mine organizes the golf group with which I play two days (Wednesday and Friday) a week. Another friend organizes the other group in which I play on Mondays. They are as unlike as any two people can be in their methods. One is meticulous and orderly... maybe to a fault; any change throws him and upsets him (which he does not take out on others but internalizes). The other uses a laissez-faire method. I am torn between them. Neither method quite suits me but I have no wish to interfere or to run a group. I would be much worse and I would likely be rigid and irritating while being irritated by any lack of cooperation. In many ways, I am a "control freak". I am also the opposite. This is why I shy away from leadership positions and also try to avoid being a follower.

In some ways, angst is my normal state of mind. Constantly torn between the desire to control everything around me and unwilling to even try.

That's probably why this blog has no direction.